Ask Dr. Mike
First published March 31, 2006
Ok gang, it’s time for another installment of “Ask Dr. Mike,” in which readers
entrust their most important problems to a guy who writes jokes for a
living.
Dear Dr. Funny Guy,
Why I ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.
I thought that my husband and I had finally arrived at the perfect
marriage – I hadn’t seen him in nearly two months, but the paychecks
kept coming in. Now it turns out that all that time he was lost in
the basement between the furnace and the water softener...
marriage – I hadn’t seen him in nearly two months, but the paychecks
kept coming in. Now it turns out that all that time he was lost in
the basement between the furnace and the water softener...
We’ve had this problem before, beginning right after we got married
when he disappeared for two days trying to find the bathroom in the
honeymoon suite. Last Christmas I bought him a portable GPS that had
key locations – his job, his best friend’s house, the kitchen –
programmed in, but he just won’t use it.
What gives?
You trash-picking sleaze.
Sincerely,
Oh Crap, He’s Missing Again
Well Crap, as every psychologist and stand-up comic in history has
pointed out (repeatedly), we men all suffer from a disorder known as
“Stopandaskophobia.”
We can trace this syndrome back to the Middle Ages, when a wanderer
might pause in his journey along the dusty road to ask directions
from a farmer laboring in the field. “Prithee, stout yeoman,” he
would say, “Canst thou direct me to the corner of St. George Street
and Dragon Avenue?”
To which the peasant would traditionally reply, “My name is not
‘Stout Yeoman,’ it’s ‘Steve,’ and do I looketh like bloody AAA to
you?” Then he would stab our traveler with his pitchfork.
As you might imagine, the average pilgrim soon learned that he was
probably better off just to wing it when it came to finding his way
around the Middle Ages.
Moving ahead to the present time, it was initially believed that the
invention of the GPS would pretty much eliminate Stopandaskophobia
among modern men. Surely no guy would have a problem with getting
directions from a little electronic box!
Of course as we now know, this hope was crushed, and those age-old
genetic memories immediately resurfaced, when we found out that “GPS”
really stood for “Grab the Pitchfork, Steve.”
As for how to deal with your husband, my advice would be to staple
one of those radio tracking devices to his ear – for availability
simply contact your local National Geographic adventure show host.
Then at least you can follow his migration patterns.
Good luck!
Dear Dr. Funny Guy,
I have two questions for you. First, exactly why does everybody who
writes to you want to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody
stump? This seems highly aggressive and excessively violent to me,
even though I also find it to be a surprisingly appealing idea.
Second, do you believe anxieties are sublimated or even ameliorated
through the involuntary expression of psychosomatic phenomena, and do
you think this in turn addresses some sort of anthropological
imperative in the lives of modern homo sapiens?
You flatulent offspring of an Australopithecus.
Inquisitively,
Maybe A Little Too Much Time On My Hands To Think About This Stuff
You know Hands, I’ve often wondered about that myself. The first
thing I mean, the arm ripping and the beating with the bloody stump.
I think the implied anger may simply be a reflection of the whole
columnist thing. If you consistently write hard-hitting, insightful
analysis of important issues, you’re bound to antagonize a few
people. If, like me, you go the next step and simply put random words
on paper, you’ll piss off just about everybody.
As to your second question, I can only say sure – why not?
Well that’s it for this column. Be sure to send your important
questions to drmike@learnedsofar.com or go to
http://www.drfunnyguy.com and post them there.
If any of your friends are not yet on my online distribution list,
they are missing all the fun of What I’ve Learned So Far… Send them
to http://www.learnedsofar.com/list/ to sign up. They’ll thank you,
and so will I.
Copyright © 2006, Michael Ball
Print It
Bush, scheduled to speak at a
Bush, scheduled to speak at a fundraising luncheon in Carlsbad, California, apparently gave the pilots the wrong destination when he boarded the presidential plane. "Carlsbad, Baghdad - it's a natural mistake," said White pass4sure 642-631 House press secretary Tony Snow. "As you probably know, geography is not the president's strongest suit."
Bush decided that since he was "in the neighborhood," he would set up a photo-op with new Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki in Baghdad's heavily-fortified Green Zone. "Might as well make a little hay while there's still water under the dam," said Bush. "I gotta tell you though, the first convenience store clerk explodes anywhere near us, we're out of here."You know Hands, I’ve often wondered about that myself. The first
thing I mean, the arm ripping and the beating with the bloody stump.
pass4sure PW0-104
I think the implied anger may simply be a reflection of the whole
columnist thing. If you consistently write hard-hitting, insightful
analysis of pass4sure JN0-350 important issues, you’re bound to antagonize a few
people. If, like me, you go the next step and simply put random pass4sure 350-040 words
on paper, you’ll piss off just about everybody