About Cleavage

OK, this is going to come as a shock to a lot of you. It is not the kind of thing I ordinarily discuss here. In fact the only reason I'm doing it at all is that, now that President Obama has everything in the world pretty much under control and Sarah Palin is leaving the public eye to spend more time with her family, there is not really all that much for us to talk about. So here goes:

Men look at women! They do it a lot!

I know, right?

And the thing is, when we do it, we are apparently just responding to our genetic programming. In hundreds (probably) of psycho-neurological studies (why not?), it has been proven (I'll bet) that a man's response to visual sexual stimuli is almost completely involuntary (yeah, that's the ticket).

What this boils down to, in layman's terms, is that guys just can't help looking at girls. Especially when it comes to gazing at the naughty bits.

But I have to tell you that this is a two way street. Here in our new age, women are taking advantage of the uplifting technological advances that have pushed up and into the forefront of our cultural milieu.

In case you are completely innuendo-impaired, what I'm talking about here is the "Wonderbra" and the rise (sorry) of cleavage as a modern fashion phenomenon. The Wonderbra has elevated us (OK, I'll stop now) into an era of partially exposed breasts such as we have not seen since (according to eminent French cultural historian Mel Brooks) Louie XIV said, "It's good to be the king!"

Here's how I figure it works; men like to watch women, and women like to watch men watching them. And they will spend $34.95 (on sale) to make that happen.

But women seem to have a problem with men when "watching" crosses the line, sneaks right on past "leering" and goes straight into "ogling." The thing is, us guys have kind of a hard time with subtle distinctions like that. Remember all that crap about genetic programming?

Not too long ago I experienced what is feels like to be ogled. As I was walking through a restaurant, I noticed two attractive ladies staring at me "below the waist." They were whispering to each other, hiding their words behind their hands, and giggling lasciviously.

I was shocked! I began to feel a slow burn of indignation that these women might value my physical attributes over my mind or my personality. I resented being objectified in that way. I felt totally used.

I also made a mental note of which pants I was wearing, so I could buy some more just like them.

I was still steaming about it when I got back to the table, where my wife pointed out that I had come out of the Men's room with a wad of my Pink Panther boxer shorts zipped into and hanging out of my fly.

But that's not exactly the point. For a brief moment in that restaurant, I understood what a woman must feel like when, after putting on an outfit that pops something like thirty percent of her bosom out into the world, the men around her notice that they can see about a third of her bosom.

With this in mind, I have decided to put my new found insight to work. I want men to learn how to look at women, while still respecting their dignity and almost completely avoiding getting tased.

Next week: To See, Or Not To See; The Modern American Man's Field Guide to Looking, Leering And Ogling.

What I've Learned So Far... by Mike Ball is a syndicated feature distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. If you enjoy this work, please contact your local newspaper's editors and ask them to carry it.